A LIGHTER SIDE OF THE ARCHIVE
Science-fiction humor from the Zul'Elkoen Universe
HERE'S ONE FOR A SCIENCE-FICTION WRITER:
A Ventopia engineer walks into a meeting and says,
"Good news! We successfully terraformed the planet."
Everyone applauds.
Then another engineer says,
"Bad news... the meraphytes terraformed us."
The room goes silent.
One scientist slowly raises his hand and asks,
"...Do we still have to finish the quarterly reports?"
Even in the far future, bureaucracy survives.
A KAVOE recruit sees the warning: DO NOT ADDRESS VERDANDI.
He leans toward the Synch Tether anyway.
Verdandi, can you hear me?
Nothing.
Verdandi?
Nothing.
Are you ignoring me?
The sergeant grabs him by the shoulder.
Son, she's simultaneously observing millions of people across the galaxy.
So?
And somehow you're still not interesting.
A captain asks his navigator,
What time is it?
Year 234, Sexon 3, Day 81, Hour 17, Minute 42, GRT.
The captain stares at him.
I meant, is it time for lunch?
The navigator checks another display.
Shipboard time says yes.
Thank God.
Local planetary time says breakfast.
The captain sighs.
And Mission Elapsed Time?
You're seventeen minutes late for duty.
I hate space.
A man walks into a repair shop carrying a shattered zeckle pad.
The technician asks,
What happened?
I dropped it.
This is a KAVOE ZK-27. They're waterproof, impact-resistant, radiation-hardened, and designed to survive extreme planetary environments. What did you drop it from?
The man looks embarrassed.
A KAVOE ship.
How high?
It was in orbit.
The technician stares at him.
The man shrugs.
The planet survived.
After parasites, pirates, broken Gruboxes, and rogue-planet ghosts, the Gulliver crew has earned some bad jokes.
1. Why did the bioxenologist refuse to classify the alien immediately?
Because the last “plant” chased her after sunset.
2. What does Rick call an expedition where nobody shoots at him?
Paid vacation.
3. What does Eduardo call it?
Suspicious.
4. A bioxenologist walks into a bar with a Discoran.
The bartender says, “How many seats?”
The Discoran says, “Seven.”
“Party of seven?”
“No. Just me.”
5. Why don't you play hide-and-seek with a Senticom?
Because it was watching before you decided to hide.
6. What did Marissa say after discovering another parasite?
“Put it in Brerokanzwoph.”
Quincy: “You haven't examined it yet.”
Marissa: “It is attached to my ass, Quincy. I have sufficient data.”
7. How do you know Andrew is repairing something?
You hear swearing.
How do you know the repair worked?
The swearing stops.
How do you know it didn't?
New vocabulary.
8. Why did the Quoithris cross interstellar space?
It didn't.
It found a perfectly good Thrishton stress point and stayed there for 40,000 years.
9. Patrick walks into the common room at 3:00 a.m.
Marissa says, “Don't you ever sleep?”
Patrick says, “Don't you ever learn?”
10. What is the scientific difference between a pirate and an emergency equipment supplier?
Apparently, two Vertikron rifles.
11. What's the most dangerous sentence on the Gulliver?
“Marissa classified it already.”
12. Why are Brerohurnocio organisms terrible houseplants?
Forget to turn on the lights and suddenly the cat is missing.
13. What's a xenobiologist's definition of a successful expedition?
Everybody comes home.
A great expedition?
Everybody comes home with samples.
Marissa's expedition?
Everybody comes home except two rifles, 27 nutrient packs, and several incorrect classifications.
14. Shipboard Exchange
GIORODVA:There is an unidentified life-form outside the ship.
Marissa:Is it dangerous?
GIORODVA:Unknown.
Rick:Intelligent?
GIORODVA:Unknown.
Eduardo:Armed?
GIORODVA:Unknown.
Patrick:Can we eat it?
Myriyam:NO.
15. Why did the Leviathan attack the Gulliver?
Because apparently “please don't approach the children” is difficult to write on a 200-kilometer animal.
16. What did Marissa learn from the Gorbillian dead pocket?
Sometimes the universe puts you on hold.
17. What's worse than finding an alien parasite attached to your head?
Finding one attached to your chest.
What's worse than that?
Ask Quincy. He isn't talking.
18. Shipboard Exchange
Marissa:This organism appears completely harmless.
Bethany:Based on what?
Marissa:Observation.
Rick:How long?
Marissa:Eleven minutes.
Everyone:GET BACK IN THE SHIP.
19. Why didn't they take a piece of Scatterglass home?
Because once you discover the rock has a consciousness, “collecting a sample” starts sounding suspiciously like kidnapping someone's foot.
20. What was the most scientifically significant discovery of the entire expedition?
Not the gas-giant ecosystem.
Not the Discoran.
Not the space-time ghost.
It was discovering that Eduardo can remain angry for exactly 43 minutes without saying a word.
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